The Art of Being Sneaky (Fail)
by BlueBully
Summary: If Logan can just remain stealthy he'll be home free. He's not that lucky. MMM/M Tickle Fic


**Totally new story! Wrote it in 2 days! A record for me! :D**

**MMM/M tickling, and f-bombs. F-bombs everywhere! XD**

Another day. Another villain who'd had their ass thoroughly kicked. Sabretooth being that villain, though lately Logan had been finding him to be quite predictable and frankly he was getting bored of the same routine they'd had over the years. Victor would track him down every year on Logan's supposed birthday for a little game of try-to-kill-Wolverine-or-at-least-ruin-his-life-somehow. Though it seemed like his "birthdays" were getting a little more frequent every year. Oh well. He was home now, and Victor was off licking his wounds somewhere. Logan himself hadn't escaped in one piece either. By now the wounds he'd received had healed over, but his uniform was in complete ruins. He pulled his war battered mask off, sighing as he realized the costume was going straight into the garbage once he'd gotten out of it. At least his boots had remained unscathed so that was a plus. He really needed a beer though to help him unwind. Maybe six. He entered the mansion and began leisurely heading down the hallways for the kitchen. It was just past 11:30pm so he didn't expect to come across anyone that would still be awake. Not that he minded, as some might find the urge to take advantage of him in his current state of dress.

Wolverine paused in his journey as the sound of light snoring was picked up by his sensitive ears. Peeking into the day room he'd been passing he observed the sleeping forms of Nightcrawler, Beast and Ice Man sprawled out on the couches and the floor. The trio must've tired themselves out in one of their usual tickle fights, though it was hard to figure out who the victor had been. Most likely Hank had given in easily and let himself be ganged up on by Kurt and Bobby. Hank normally considered himself the winner in that case. Logan just shook his head and began to continue on his way, now noticing how loud the sounds of his thick-soled boots seemed to make on the wood floor with each step. He immediately froze, cringing as he heard a few disturbed snorts from his sleeping teammates, but luckily they all remained in their dream land. Logan definitely didn't want to accidentally wake them up, lest they decide that they want to include him in their games. He knew it was a huge risk, but he had to lose the boots if he was to sneak more quietly to the kitchen. With a frown he slowly bent down and unlaced his footwear, stepping out of them onto the floor in his socked feet. No sound was made as he took an experimental step across the floor, giving him a feeling of relief.

He then spent the next minute slowly tiptoeing past the room, pausing in stride whenever he thought he heard movement from within. As he reached the wall where he'd be able to disappear from sight, he stopped to take one last smug look into the room. But as he turned back he miscalculated in his step and ended up stubbing his toe on the corner of the wall. The pain shot straight up through his leg as he grabbed his foot, forgetting all about being quiet as he let loose an outburst of obscenities.  
"AAARGH! FUCK! Goddamn motherfuckin' cocksuckin' piece o' shit fuckin' wall...!" Wolverine choked out a gasp and quickly threw a hand over his mouth as he remembered where he was. He clearly was screwed and it took him a moment before he could gather the courage to look back into the day room. A look of immense surprise washed over him, not believing what he was seeing. The trio had not budged from their positions; still snoring and seeming as if they hadn't heard a thing. They must've tickled each other into comas or something.

Feeling extremely grateful, Logan relaxed as the pain in his foot subsided thanks to his healing factor. It must be his lucky day. Not wasting another moment he finally rounded the corner and took one last glance back to make sure he hadn't been followed. Seeing no one tailing him, he turned back around and instantly stopped in his tracks as the smell of brimstone caught in his nostrils. Crud. Stepping from the shadows in front of him emerged his fuzzy blue friend, and he was grinning in the most unnerving way.  
"Hello, mein freund. Long night, huh?" Logan nearly gulped as he noticed Kurt's eyes take him all in; the tattered uniform he wore that left much of his torso exposed, all the way down to his bootless feet that he was nervously shifting on.  
"Uh yeah, ya can say that. I was just gonna, ya know, get a beer," he gave a wry smile and tried to remain calm, but didn't dare take one step closer. Kurt crossed his arms and nodded.  
"Ah yes, a beer would be just wunderbar, but there is none left, I'm afraid. Hank, Bobby and I needed something to go with our Twinkies and the beer surprisingly went rather well with them."

"Oh. Well...that's alright. I'm just gonna, uh, go to bed then. See ya in the mornin'," Logan said, eager to get out of there as he turned around to walk away, but bumped right into an even larger individual. He looked up to face the Beast, who smiled as he laid a large hand on his shoulder.  
"Leaving so soon, Logan? But the night is still young." Logan immediately backed away from him, keeping equal distance between him and Kurt as a look of defeat came over him.  
"Guys, c'mon. I've had a really long day an' just wanted a beer. I ain't even mad that ya drank it all if ya just lemme off this one time," he tried to reason with them as they closed in.  
"But Logan, how can you expect us to just let you off when you so rudely awakened us with your rather vulgar choice of obscenities? I think we need to teach you a lesson about cleaning up your language," Hank grinned while Kurt giddily nodded in agreement. Logan also nodded frantically.

"Yer right. Yer totally right. I'm sorry. I promise I'll work on it. Just please, don't do this." The stocky man was not one to beg, but he really, really did not want what he knew was coming. To him, being mortally ticklish was some cruel joke played on him by mother nature. He was considered the ultimate weapon. Able to withstand any form of torture and heal from any wound. He could be shot, stabbed, gutted, burned alive, or even lose a limb and he'd hardly flinch. But drag something as light as a feather over his sensitive skin and he'd be powerless; reduced to a squirming pile of helpless giggles. It was just downright embarrassing, and not something that would be associated with a hardened man like himself. Irony was such a bitch. He decided to try one last angle.  
"C'mon, it's my birthday. Ya can't tickle me on my birthday." The two blue mutants paused.  
"Your birthday? You know your birth date?" Kurt raised a brow as Logan shrugged.  
"Well, no, but how'm I s'posed to know the exact day? Accordin' to Sabretooth I got a lot o' birthdays. So whaddya say?" Logan looked hopeful as his teammates appeared to be thinking it over. But then...

"Well I've got just the birthday present for you!" He heard another voice shout just as the floor beneath him began to ice over. Unable to keep his footing, Logan stumbled and slipped rather comically and ended up with his back slumped up against the wall. Bobby ran in from behind Hank, quickly freezing Logan's extended legs to the floor at his ankles. As Logan raised his arms to release his claws so he could slash through the ice restraints, a few more ice blasts were sent in his direction. His arms were sealed in ice against the wall, trapping them up around his head as Logan struggled and growled to be let loose.  
"Aww, is the big, bad Wolvie all grumpy wumpy on his birthday? Well I know what will cheer you up," Bobby snickered as he knelt beside Logan and tugged his socks loose from his feet. Wolverine knew there was nothing he could say or do that would get him out of this. Threats wouldn't work. Begging wouldn't work. But maybe...reverse psychology? It was worth a shot.  
"Actually I am feelin' a lil' ornery so hurry up an' tickle me. I just love bein' tickled," Logan had to hold back his smirk at the shocked faces of his friends. They'd never heard him say anything that was in favor of tickling him so they really weren't sure what to think. Though after a moment they figured out that confusing them had been Logan's plan all along. They'd play his game.

"Logan would never say that! You must be an imposter! A skrull! Lets tickle him until he tells us where the REAL Wolverine is!" Kurt declared as Logan's face fell, knowing that his last chance to delay them any longer was over.  
"Wh...What?! No, dammit! I ain't a skrull! It's me! Logan! I was just messin' with ya!" Logan sputtered out, but the three continued to pretend to not believe him as they gave him a pitying look and shook their heads.  
"Nice try. But I'm afraid that was a little too complex of a plan for our Logan to have concocted all on his own," Hank smirked as Logan growled, knowing he'd just been insulted and instantly reverting back to threats.  
"I'm serious! Don't fuckin' tickle me! If ya do then so help me I won't sleep until I've hunted every one o' ya down!" His brows drew together as he bared his teeth, but it was useless for him to try to intimidate when he was in this position.

Bobby thoughtfully stroked his chin.  
"Well "Logan", " he enunciated by making quotation marks in the air with his fingers, "If you are the real Wolverine, then what were you doing sneaking around in the dark? Like you didn't want us to know you were there?"  
"'Cause I DIDN'T want ya to know I was there, ya moron! I was tryin' to avoid this whole situation!" Logan barked, wanting so badly to get up and wring the younger man's neck. Bobby snickered at Logan's reaction, making the captive's face turn red as he fumed. He knew they were just screwing with him. Just giving themselves an excuse to torment him mercilessly.  
"Last chance, assholes. Let me go or I will make sure ya suffer like ya've never suffered before. I will bring my full wrath upon you all," Wolverine growled low; the hair on the back of his neck standing up like an aggressive animal. Despite his obvious annoyance, his teammates only smiled, knowing that he would never go so far as to actually hurt them no matter what promises of bodily harm came spewing from his mouth. It was time to turn that frown upside down.

"What does that mean? You mean an invasion of more skrulls? Tell us what you are planning, phony-Logan!" Hank grinned, reaching out as his sharp claws began softly scratching at the feral's ribcage; the shredded uniform leaving a great expanse of skin bared and vulnerable. Logan tried so hard, so very hard to hold it in. He grit his teeth. Held his breath. Shut his eyes and tried to mentally block out the sensations. His body writhed to get away, but he wasn't going anywhere. More irony - the Beast's claws could easily gut a man with a single swipe. Tear his body to ribbons. But the super gentle method that Hank was using now was much worse. Pressing firmly, but not nearly enough to break skin. Torturously scratching up and down his ribs, sending shivers all along Logan's spine. His over-excited nerves heightened to their maximum sensitivity. He couldn't take it. Couldn't contain himself any more. He was just too damn ticklish to resist any longer. The first round of laughter started with a huge exhale of his held breath through his pursed lips.  
"Pfffffffttthahahaha! Aaahahahahahahahahaa! I sahahahaid it's meeheeheeheee, ya sohohorry excuse fer a throhohohohohow ruhuhug!" Logan howled, jerking with all his strength at the ice encasing his arms. He was still mad as can be, but his laughter sure made it appear otherwise.

"Hmmm, well he does seem to talk like the real Wolverine. But how can we be certain? Surely this skrull wouldn't be as ticklish as Logan is under his arms," Kurt slunk over to his best friend's other side and dug his furiously wiggling fingers into his armpits. If Logan wasn't being held against the wall he would have gone flying across the room with how much he jumped, only succeeding in arching his back as he screamed with laughter.  
"Bwwaahahahahah! Nohohoho, ya baahaahaastard! Stop stop! Gaahahahahahahaha! I tohohohold ya...I...I ain't a skruhuhuhuhull!"  
"Not a skrull, huh? That's exactly something a skrull would say!" Bobby tisked as he joined in and started running his fingers over the bottoms of Logan's wide feet. Wolverine erupted with a shriek; his feet being his ultimate weak spot.  
"WAAAHAHAHAHhahahah! Nooooo! Nononononono! Fuck! FUCK! STOHAHAHAHAHOP!" Logan cackled like a lunatic and flailed his feet, scrunching his soles while simultaneously trying to hide one foot behind the other. Bobby made sure they got equal attention though.  
"Dohohohohon't...Don't tohohohohouch my daahaahaamn feeeheeheeheeheeet! Ohohohoho fuck! I caahaahaahaaan't take this shihihihihhihit!"

"Well so much for working on cleaning up his bad language," Hank chuckled as they all decided to give the man a break. Logan sagged in his restraints, panting for air with sweat gathered on his forehead as he glared up at them. The ice was starting to melt a little, leaving him sitting in a forming puddle of water and thankfully cooling him off a little.  
"So ready to talk, skrull?" Bobby grinned and wiggled his fingers up in the air as a threat.  
"Fer the...last...time...I ain't...a goddamn...skrull," Logan said as calmly as possible; Kurt deciding it was time to stop the charade.  
"Ja ja, we know. You're not really a skrull. But wasn't that fun anyways?" Kurt flashed his fanged smile as Logan just looked at him; the annoyance in his eyes giving his exact answer to that question.  
"Come on, Logan! Cheer up, you old fart! It's your birthday!" Bobby smacked him on the leg. Logan shrugged as his temper started to subside.  
"Maybe it is an' maybe it ain't. I told ya I can't remember the exact date."

"Well from now on I say we declare this day your official birthday! We will celebrate it every year, and our gift to you will be to make sure you're never in a sour mood. You can't deny that laughing didn't at least make you feel a little good. Laughing produces endorphins in the brain and is proven to relieve stress. It's science," Hank smiled proudly at his understanding of the subject, waiting for Logan to acknowledge that it was true. It may have been, but Logan certainly wasn't going to outright admit that.  
"Every year, huh? Guess I better mark on my calendar to make sure I ain't around on that day then," Logan smirked a little, showing them no hard feelings. Yeah, being tickled sucked, but in the end there was no harm done and they were all still friends.  
"By the way, do you really think I resemble a common throw rug?" Beast asked with a mock pout of his lip; Logan thinking he'd really hurt his feelings and actually feeling a tinge of guilt.  
"Nah, I didn't mean it, bub. I just blurted it out in the heat of the moment. I'm sorry." Hank continued on.

"Because I don't know if you've noticed how soft and luxuriant my fur really is. Here. Feel," Hank broke into a grin as he began running the back of his furry hand over Logan's bare stomach. Wolverine squirmed, trying to suck in his tummy as he chuckled and nodded in agreement.  
"Yer...Yer rihihight. I can seeheeheeheee that. Hehehehehe, c'mon now. Laahaahaay off." Hank reluctantly obliged as Bobby piped in.  
"That's nothing, Hank! He called me a moron! I'm not dumb! I'm totally smart!" He puffed out his chest proudly as Logan rolled his eyes, immediately coming back with a retort.  
"Oh yeah? That what yer mommy tells ya? Right after she wipes yer ass fer ya?" Kurt and Hank roared with laughter while Bobby's posture deflated and he turned bright red. He quickly recovered though as he remembered how vulnerable Wolverine was at the moment.  
"Well I'm smart enough to know that if I'm tied up then I should keep my mouth shut. Otherwise, someone might do THIS!" Bobby grinned and grabbed around Logan's knees, squeezing rapidly. Logan's eyes widened in surprise right before he burst out laughing and jerking around in his ice prison. He didn't know he had ticklish knees.

"Oh, and for the record, I wipe my own ass, thank you very much!" Bobby's fingers drifted underneath to the backs of his knees, wriggling like crazy into the softer flesh.  
"Bahahahah! Bobby! Ya lil' shihihihihit! Guhuhuhuhuys! Hehehehehelp!" Logan called out to the other two mutants.  
"Hmmm, do you think we should help?" Hank glanced at Kurt with a grin.  
"Ja, I definitely think we should help Bobby tickle him," Kurt waved Hank forward, "After you, mein freund." Hank chose to go for the belly this time while Kurt dove right back into his armpits. His spaded tail also decided it wanted in on the action as it slid around Logan's sensitive neck and tickled behind his ears, making the feral thrash his head around as he unsuccessfully tried to pin the tail down with his chin. Damn them for knowing all his weak spots. On cue Bobby returned down to Logan's feet, really making the feral scream as his fingertips took his ice form and began sliding the freezing cold appendages along his soles and prodding through his toes.  
"AHAHAHAHAHHAHA! WHA...WHAT'RE YAHAHAHA...OHOHOHOHOHO STOHAHAHAHAHAHOP! I GIHIHIHIHIVE! I GIVE ALREHEHEHEHEADY!" He thought he might actually get tickled to death this time.

Logan had tears running down his face from all the laughing before the tickling was finally halted by the shouting of an all too familiar voice.  
"BOYS! Have you ANY idea what hour of the night it is?! Stop this foolishness at once!" The terrifying Emma Frost came marching through the dark towards them before changing to her diamond form and smashing apart the ice restraints on Logan's limbs. He immediately began flexing his arms and legs at the joints, trying to get the feeling back in them as he wiped the wet streaks off his cheeks. Emma changed back to normal just as Logan looked up at her.  
"Thanks, Emma. I...WOAH! What in the...?!" Logan grimaced when he saw that Emma was without her usual mask of make up on and her hair frazzled and sticking out in every direction. She was standing there with a robe crudely tied around her waist and looking like someone who hadn't been able to get a lot of sleep. She remained unphased by his repulsed expression.  
"Why on earth are you all making such a racket for?! Especially you, you barbarian!" She pointed at Logan. "What is so incredibly funny that I could hear your brutish laughter all the way up in my bedroom?!" Hank quickly stepped in and tried to diffuse the situation.

"Please, calm down, Emma. It is our fault. We were only trying to cheer Logan up with a little friendly tickling." Emma looked back at him stunned, not sure she had heard him correctly.  
"Tickling? Really, boys? That is so juvenile," she rolled her eyes and turned away from them.  
"Maybe, but you're never too old to be ticklish. I mean, what are you, like 500 years old, Wolvie? And you're still as ticklish as a little kid!" Bobby teased, earning a growl and a hard punch to the shoulder that made him grunt in pain. Emma sighed and rubbed her forehead.  
"I can't believe grown men can be so utterly immature. Ok, you've got five seconds to move along, or I'm giving you all a private session with me in my bedroom! And mark my words, there won't be any tickling!"  
"Ehehe, that won't be necessary. Sorry to have disturbed you, fraulein," Kurt gave a weak grin as he teleported away.  
"Hey hey hey! Wait for me! Don't leave me here with her!" Bobby yelled as Kurt reappeared in a puff of smoke and grabbed hold of Bobby, taking the young man with him this time. Hank took a bow, slowly backing out of the room.

"Apologies, my dear. I will try to be more considerate next time. Though if you decide to change your mind about the 'no tickling' decree than perhaps I will take you up on your offer. Goodnight for now." As Hank left, Emma then turned to look over at Logan, seeming to be studying him. Her poker-face gradually transformed into a smirk as she moved towards him.  
"So...who would have thought it? I was not aware that you were so, ehmm, sensitive," She laughed softly in amusement as Logan just glared back at her.  
"Don't even think it, Emma. I hate bein' tickled. An' just 'cause I put up with it fer them don't mean I'll do the same fer ya," he growled a little, then feeling a slight tingling in his mind and seeing the look of concentration on the telepath's face. He reached out to firmly grab her arm, succeeding in breaking her focus.  
"Get outta my head, Emma. What're ya lookin' fer?" She smiled innocently  
"Oh, just gathering a few notes for future reference. You know, in case you change your mind about coming up to my room. I'll see you later, Logan," she gently pulled free from his grip; Logan noticing her take a glance down at his bare feet before she walked away. He bristled up, getting that uneasy feeling that Emma now knew a little too much about him than he would have liked.

He didn't know what Emma would do with the new information she'd acquired, but he expected that she would be inviting him up to her room more often now. They'd fooled around up there many times before, and that woman definitely had her kinks. He figured she just added a new one to her list to try out. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe getting played with by an attractive woman would be more pleasant than being gang tickled by his buddies. He didn't really want to keep thinking about it though. If he did those thoughts might end up creeping into his dreams and he wasn't sure he wanted that. He wandered back past the day room to grab his boots on the way to bed; free to not have to tiptoe this time. As he picked them up off the floor he glanced over at one of the couches and noticed something that got his attention. Walking into the room he reached towards the couch side table, pushing aside the mountain of empty Twinkie wrappers and grabbing the unopened bottle of beer. He immediately popped it open and chugged every last drop, sighing in satisfaction. It had been a little on the warm side, but it was better than nothing and he could now go to bed feeling complete. He was feeling pretty good now. Hank would say it was from all the laughing, but for Logan beer just made everything better no matter what kind of day he'd had. And fine, maybe the laughing had helped a bit. Still, he'd have to have quite a bit of beer before deciding that taking up Emma's offer was a good idea. He couldn't help grinning as he planned on making a run to the liquor store in the morning.

You can all blame tklvr18 for this one! XD She just mentioned this small idea (that I turned into a big ol' story) in our regular conversation, and I quote...

tklvr18: _"Yeah I can see you leaving a rant worthy of Logan post toe-stubbing"._

Oh my gosh! That sounded so funny to me I just wanted to write it into something! Wouldn't fit into any of my current WIPs so I just ended up writing a whole new one! Was gonna be a quick little story, but then you know. It became a big story. XD

Thank you again, tklvr18 for the silly idea! *tight hug*


End file.
